Addendum - reflection about sexuality
Part 1 can be found at this link : Epiphany 6A
I don’t want people to think I am vain in suggest that my point of view about sexuality is perfect nor is it even the only valid point. Far from it. I realize that is my point of view and has its flaws on in its own. I discover reasons why all the time.
I also see flaws in traditional views that get overlooked. I could talk extensively about that, but I will admit there are some things that the traditional ways give us.
Familiarity: most people know the concepts and understand them. I don’t even have to qualify my words because this is the general “norm.” It isn’t perfect but it is perfect enough for many. There is nothing wrong with being happy here.
Legacy: the traditional view is rooted in religious ideas of posterity and heirs. What I have today, I certainly want to pass to my son and his future. The blessings of Abraham include his long life, he becomes a rich man and is able care for his brother Lot, but more importantly he is able to pass those gifts well beyond his physical life to posterity. However, traditional is not the only path for this.
For my viewpoint, I don’t identify as straight. It is part of why I left the church for a while. I have experienced, written and said what it is like to live with a bi identity. God made me the way I am for some reason, and even as a child of our Creator, at times I question often, “why pick me?”
I am attracted not necessarily to gender up front, but something about someone draws me into that person, whether physical, intellectual or spiritual. As a person who does not identify as straight, however I get challenges from both straight and from queer communities as somehow not having made up my mind or not able to be clear.
One, I will not be constricted arbitrarily by some idea that “the we have always done it…” because that has not been the truth for me.
Two, I would counter that also with being in a marriage for over twelve years while many others have not made it past one year or even a month. Not that time is the tell-all because we can endure plenty to stay in a spot that may not be the most enjoyable but is instead merely familiar. That is a challenge for many people, not just Tony. Relationships are works in progress.
Of scripture, there are plenty of examples of marriages with many as different flavors of relationships that one could scarcely call monogamy. For example, Abraham, Jacob and David, each have multiple partners despite being in marriages and having children with said multiple partners.
That isn’t to justify having multiple partners, as that is simply a deal breaker for many - I know. (Further the way they treat some of the women is downright mean and even criminal.)
That requires a conversation, if that is the path couples take. One that has to be genuine thoughtful discussion, adhere to basic respect, and be ongoing (because things do change) and not be one that disregards feelings on the matter. These kinds of questions and conversations likely raise other concerns that need attention. Talking through these with a counselor maybe necessary here.
What are the expectations of each other and are they achievable in the current and future context?
In those same scriptures, women are pretty much treated like property with some exception to Hannah in Judges and Ruth, although she bears the burden of a society that treats women like this. For my possible partner, I don’t want property. If I am to have something more than a companion, I want a partner with equal agency. Even someone just as a companion, equal agency is desired over subdued or restraint. Let’s have, as Wilda Gafney describes, “midrash.” There is something truly sacred and valuable in that.
That will bring more into the intimate and accentuate anything the physical can do, whether the touch, the hug and more. That wholistic approach to a person can pay soulful dividends in the intimate, in the good times, and in the bad times.
I do like being with someone and only that person. I have and will in the future when I meet that someone. I look forward to conversations and possibilities as I said. I may have met them already or perhaps I won’t. Questions for me are, “When do I give it a chance? When is it just a chase?” Maybe, I am imagining a phantom or ghost.
Yet, I don’t want to chase after “no chance” (nor would I want to be stalked.) I really don’t have time for that, but I do have to relearn some things about starting possible relationships if one is to be in my future.
Of attractions, as I mentioned, physical is maybe one doorway to me and my attraction but not the only door. Someone who can laugh, have a thoughtful conversation and who is empathetic, then I am interested, then I am in. I enjoy people who think about others, and then we build dialog about things we read, watch or just ordinary - even when we disagree. Can you, will you, take me as I am? I as well for you.
For when the times are tough, when the chips are low, the physical isn’t going to get us through there when one or both are sick, trying to figure payments, when there is death (as I get older, these are more frequent) or even happier, where should we go for vacation. We need more; I want more. Further, a healthy conversation is going to be much better than argument, scorn or otherwise.
When we are walking the wilderness with all of the questions and possibilities, we don’t have to do it alone because someone, and friends around us, (I submit the Spirit as well) can help us to understand what question I should even be asking . I also know that it is not about the result or outcome that should be the focus because there so much life to live and so much to learn on the way - when we open ourselves to the now and present, the Spirit speaking.
For people (whether friends or more or less) that choose to be around me, I have plenty of reading material to find out what has been my mind if one so chooses. That might make potential someone scared or overwhelmed.
Still, I have laid it out for all to see and read. I have made mistakes; and I have evolved over time. I am not the same person I was in my 20s, my 30s nor even since the divorce was settled.
Yet, people will discriminate what they don’t know and especially what they don’t want to know. Some don’t want to believe that people can be attracted to people regardless of gender. Some don’t want to look beyond the horizon of traditional. Additionally, I tend to see more social acceptance of bi female versus that of bi male. There are industries designed to accommodate that. I cannot change that, and I don’t really have an objective to do that.
People will discriminate me and judge me. I can’t change that. I can only do my best. I can only give you me and be authentic in what I give of my flawed self. No one is perfect nor do I claim to be such.
I have reduced my use of social media apps and very much detest the dating app way of effortlessly approving or disapproving people without meeting them.
Even so, if people want to know more about me and my thoughts on things without reading, you merely can ask, and as well, I am interested in your take on the same. We may not necessarily agree on particular points, but we see where each are, hopefully without being dismissive. Then, we are having conversation and dialog; we are communicating.
For love and trust to exist between a couple, there has to be true and honest communication, much like I say about true and honest faith. Do I really just say these words and wave my hand around with all-knowing-purpose or do I embody this and do my actions match that rhetoric, that faith even?
Let me not be the fake nor the hypocrite but be willing to discern and to listen with authenticity: “speaking truth in love and operating with humility.” As Jesus teaches in Matthew, let my treasures not be stored up in needless things, pretentious boasting or false ideas, but let genuine treasure be what my heart is. Let me be one who helps others do the same. Then together let us grow in what we can do together.
Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment