What is
Joy?
January
2014
Tony E
Dillon-Hansen
I do not
normally write about myself or my personal experience, but perhaps in this
case, someone may benefit from these words as they relate to them (maybe seek
help). People often discuss depression and suicide as some vague, unattached problem
with haunting numbers and tragedies without actually revealing the personal
connection. This may leave people, at
the same time, without an avenue that may help in their struggle. The attempt
here is to write something that will reveal vulnerability that in current
society tends to carry negative stigmas. Yet, I know that I am only one of many
that face this ongoing situation. For people that suffer from depression,
joy is a daily struggle.
Mental illness is
not something one brags to co-workers or especially does not tell the boss why
they need to call in sick for a day. The label is different from say a broken
arm, influenza or even cancer. Yet, for those who suffer depression (chronic or
severe), cancer may have parallels. We
may or may not want attention, but we would rather not want attention for being
sick. Even more, the thing with depression is that there is a label attached to
this that almost seems to offend senses of the apparently normal people.
Society has learned
to lock people away for these kinds of things. People are afraid to lose friends over
perceptions of mental illness or for discussing these things openly. That
becomes one of the major flaws in treatment. Thus, people with this condition,
disorder, paranoia or this illness will do their best to hide the gnawing
affliction inside of them and avoid treatment. Some days are better than
others, but the reality is clearly underneath. Without discussion, journaling
or at least some intervention, the depression can get immensely worse.
For me, I know that
my pain of depression, with likely biological roots, surrounds painful
decisions and several life situations that I have never fully let go. I sought
out meditative practice with marginal success. I sought out avenues of relief
through making other people happy even at my own expense because, somehow, that
would lessen my internal pain. Yet, I also know that my attempts to quell pain
with seemingly “better” decisions seem to result in more pain. A positive
outlook on life and where I want to be seems like distant memories or evil
(maybe childlike naivety) lies told to quiet your own mind. No matter how good
the intentions or the presumptions are, something seems to come along and
reverse that good.
I was drifting away
from things that I wanted to do and hanging on to others. I turned to alcohol in vain attempt to wash
away those feelings but only masked the depression without solving any of the
issues. I saw problems with drinking, and I stopped, restarted, and stopped
drinking. Yet, I realized the depression is still here. Mr. Oblivious finally realized
that the drinking was a symptom of the bigger issue that has not been
resolved. I write journals in welcome
discovery of what that is, but to this day, I struggle to find and even more
struggle to live with the core issues. I was still hanging upon things and so I
talked to a doctor about medications and tried that avenue a couple times with moderate
success. Yet, depression wants to rule.
When living with
depression, certain moments in life can become more significant and for some,
may trigger more severe episodes. A life event like death, recent stress at
work, bullying, loss in sports, or even natural disaster can be toxic to the emotions.
Normal people might feel bad, but a depressed person might easily attach guilt
or shame to the emotions regardless of their part in the situation.
If you had enough of
depression, one can turn to desperation. Desperation can lead to avenues that
people are ill-equipped to handle. This
is where some have turned to mirages of the promised-land through suicide and
pursued that end to completion. Especially as someone that has been hugely
introspective, I know there is heavy suppression of the horrors deep inside.
When everything seems to be collapsing in on you, people are willing to make
desperate attempts to escape that dishonor, horror and pain. Thankfully, I have
not realized the promised-land via suicide, but I know that some of my decisions
may have been equally desperate attempts to resolve situations that could have been
resolved most differently.
People know when
other people are sick, and depression can make a person physically sick as well
as mentally sick. Yet, proper treatment
without proper insurance may be difficult to receive. Depression and mental
illness requires intervention.
I would not dare to write
for all mental illness issues except merely my own experience with chronic
depression. I do feel that I am taking a huge gamble in declaring my situation,
but I hope that in some sense, verbal expression of my experience may help
others to seek help where needed or their friends and family to be ready to
intervene. Better treatment and better acceptance from society as a whole for
mental issues would benefit our society.
The point then of
this work is not to air out mind-numbing issues of personal misfortunes. If you
have been able to live with depression, may you have many blessings. You might
do well to share your insights and methods with others. If you currently are
struggling with depression, know that you are not alone and chances are that
good that people are willing to help. If you are thinking of suicide, find help
NOW. The road may be tough for us, but we do not need to turn out the lights
prematurely.
