What is Joy? Part II

What is Joy (Part II).
Tony E Dillon-Hansen
February 2014

Mental Illness and depression make people wonder what you do when you are depressed. Some wonder what to do when you are depressed and how to alleviate the affliction that no one sees. Part II of this exploratory means to explore some of the diverse ways people experience depression.  Again, I am speaking from my own experience, but hopefully, this dialogue will help others afflicted by depression to find opportunities.

We know that depression affects people of all stripes, stages, ages and opportunities. Yet, we compel ourselves to think of depression as dark, lonely corners and pin-striped attire with blank walls and motionless.  This is an image of the social stigma attached to depression.

Depression is often accompanied by withdrawing from activities, friends and family.  In severe cases, this can lead to total isolation and sometimes suicide.  Yet, in these moments, some of the world’s greatest minds have found unique, perhaps utterly artistic or genius, explorations of science, mind and body as a result (sometimes directly).  Some may consider this condition to be their “lot in life” as a result of poverty or some other tragedy in life and yet, do nothing to treat this. For many, these tragic experiences appear to come in multiples rather than as singular events.

I knew that there were different ways of thinking and treatment available. Depression could be a chemical or psychological condition, but there are emotional and spiritual elements that do not want to let go of the pain. I am also conscience of the idea that some of these professional “treatments” are destructive beyond the bad feelings to some people.

Aside from treatments, some believe that altering these feelings (specifically medicinally) as altering ones’ very being into some anatomic state of “normalcy”. Yet with this idea, we can wonder if the goal of treatment is to rid the world of ideas that could transform the society into merely something different.  Artistic expression and apparently un-orthodox ideas may provoke others to improve society when the person holding the ideas could not understand the value of oneself. When you can hear your mind debating the merit of basic activities, complex ideas of physics, social behavior, or political systems may seem easy to comprehend in ways that some have never considered.

For these reasons, among many, I have become willing to speak out about some things that should be said.  In some ways, I figured I had nothing to lose by issuing but I know the current process was making my condition much worse. The result has seen measurable process and management improvements. In my mind, maybe someone else or the whole company could find improvements rather than ignoring the issues.

The path of realizing one’s own pain journey may find many others also wounded as well because they happen to be in the path of the depression when the suffering person does not realize the pain they are pushing onto others.  I know that I inflicted pain upon people when they appeared to “attack” at the core of my wounds instead of relieving them.  Illusions can give someone many wrong emotions and impressions of what people are doing. Nevertheless, I cannot apologize enough to those whom I have injured regardless of how wrong or right I was.

I know, too well, what it is like to sit and to stare aimlessly and wonder if anyone cares or if anything matters.  I know that most people go about their business in life and do not worry themselves about these things. Worthlessness is powerful feeling that bleeds enthusiasm away from your soul and into despair. Whitman's words, "The question, O me! so sad, recurring-What good amid these, O me, O life?", but without an answer. Yet, depression seems as a way, if anything for those able to tolerate the impacts, have become somewhat “resilient” regardless of how much we hide from it.

I agree with Andrew Solomon in a TED talk where he states, “Depression is so exhausting. It takes up so much of your time and energy, and silence about it, it really does make the depression worse”. Without intervention or treatment, that time consumed by depression is more exhausting and extensive.  In his same address, he talks about how amazing that depression can be alleviated by people in most ridiculous ways “standing on your head” and only depressed people would understand or try just to alleviate their own affliction (that no matter how goofy the idea, you would be willing to give it a try.) Even an atheist may be willing to ask for divine intervention to escape from the torments, the horrors or from just being miserable.

I, like Mr. Solomon, agree to be grateful to be alive and that we live in the right time for figuring out depression. For me, I can see pictures of family and can see the pain in the eyes and wished I would have been able to help.  Maybe, I could have understood more about my own torment.

Depression has been here and is here. Depression is more than occasional bad feelings but is a perpetual perception of being lost and useless with nothing you can do to change direction. Everything seems to have more negative effort and events can provoke awkward responses. Intoxicants can amplify this impression and people around the depression (guilty or not may be injured.)

Again, if you feel you need help, do not be afraid to seek help. If you know someone who needs help, let them know who you are in their life. Life is meant to be lived and hopefully through the struggle that some of us with depression have, we find dignity in the simple work we conduct or simply that we have meaning in this world for the people that count upon us. Let your light shine (Matthew 5:16)!

What is Joy?

What is Joy?

January 2014

Tony E Dillon-Hansen

I do not normally write about myself or my personal experience, but perhaps in this case, someone may benefit from these words as they relate to them (maybe seek help). People often discuss depression and suicide as some vague, unattached problem with haunting numbers and tragedies without actually revealing the personal connection.  This may leave people, at the same time, without an avenue that may help in their struggle. The attempt here is to write something that will reveal vulnerability that in current society tends to carry negative stigmas. Yet, I know that I am only one of many that face this ongoing situation.  For people that suffer from depression, joy is a daily struggle.

Mental illness is not something one brags to co-workers or especially does not tell the boss why they need to call in sick for a day. The label is different from say a broken arm, influenza or even cancer. Yet, for those who suffer depression (chronic or severe), cancer may have parallels.  We may or may not want attention, but we would rather not want attention for being sick. Even more, the thing with depression is that there is a label attached to this that almost seems to offend senses of the apparently normal people.

Society has learned to lock people away for these kinds of things.  People are afraid to lose friends over perceptions of mental illness or for discussing these things openly. That becomes one of the major flaws in treatment. Thus, people with this condition, disorder, paranoia or this illness will do their best to hide the gnawing affliction inside of them and avoid treatment. Some days are better than others, but the reality is clearly underneath. Without discussion, journaling or at least some intervention, the depression can get immensely worse.

For me, I know that my pain of depression, with likely biological roots, surrounds painful decisions and several life situations that I have never fully let go. I sought out meditative practice with marginal success. I sought out avenues of relief through making other people happy even at my own expense because, somehow, that would lessen my internal pain. Yet, I also know that my attempts to quell pain with seemingly “better” decisions seem to result in more pain. A positive outlook on life and where I want to be seems like distant memories or evil (maybe childlike naivety) lies told to quiet your own mind. No matter how good the intentions or the presumptions are, something seems to come along and reverse that good.

I was drifting away from things that I wanted to do and hanging on to others.  I turned to alcohol in vain attempt to wash away those feelings but only masked the depression without solving any of the issues. I saw problems with drinking, and I stopped, restarted, and stopped drinking. Yet, I realized the depression is still here. Mr. Oblivious finally realized that the drinking was a symptom of the bigger issue that has not been resolved.  I write journals in welcome discovery of what that is, but to this day, I struggle to find and even more struggle to live with the core issues. I was still hanging upon things and so I talked to a doctor about medications and tried that avenue a couple times with moderate success. Yet, depression wants to rule.

When living with depression, certain moments in life can become more significant and for some, may trigger more severe episodes. A life event like death, recent stress at work, bullying, loss in sports, or even natural disaster can be toxic to the emotions. Normal people might feel bad, but a depressed person might easily attach guilt or shame to the emotions regardless of their part in the situation.

If you had enough of depression, one can turn to desperation. Desperation can lead to avenues that people are ill-equipped to handle.  This is where some have turned to mirages of the promised-land through suicide and pursued that end to completion. Especially as someone that has been hugely introspective, I know there is heavy suppression of the horrors deep inside. When everything seems to be collapsing in on you, people are willing to make desperate attempts to escape that dishonor, horror and pain. Thankfully, I have not realized the promised-land via suicide, but I know that some of my decisions may have been equally desperate attempts to resolve situations that could have been resolved most differently.

People know when other people are sick, and depression can make a person physically sick as well as mentally sick.  Yet, proper treatment without proper insurance may be difficult to receive. Depression and mental illness requires intervention.

I would not dare to write for all mental illness issues except merely my own experience with chronic depression. I do feel that I am taking a huge gamble in declaring my situation, but I hope that in some sense, verbal expression of my experience may help others to seek help where needed or their friends and family to be ready to intervene. Better treatment and better acceptance from society as a whole for mental issues would benefit our society.

The point then of this work is not to air out mind-numbing issues of personal misfortunes. If you have been able to live with depression, may you have many blessings. You might do well to share your insights and methods with others. If you currently are struggling with depression, know that you are not alone and chances are that good that people are willing to help. If you are thinking of suicide, find help NOW. The road may be tough for us, but we do not need to turn out the lights prematurely. 

Pride of the Bullied

Pride of the Bullied

Tony E Dillon-Hansen

If you have not been bullied, you will never truly know what the bottom of a foot looks like. If you have not been bullied, you will never know what it feels to be completely alone in agony and torment. If you have not been bullied consider yourself lucky to not have the learning opportunities that those of us who have been bullied. If you have not been bullied, consider yourself lucky to not need the armor to protect against what life will throw. If you have been bullied, consider how far you have traveled under so much duress and how much you have moved above the ugly of life. Consider that you survived and learned from those experiences.

We are the non-athletic, spectacle-faced, different-looking, 4-eyes, retarded, non-cliched, non-Christian, not-rich, fat, geeky, fag and queer. We, the bullied, were The Scarlet Letter every day at recess, in the locker room, on the way home, and even at home in many cases. There would be no reason given. Even more ironic, when we could excel, we were still being ridiculed and persecuted. We wanted to just be. Yet, our achievements and dreams were fodder for the taunts just the same.

More than anything, we challenge the teachings of Jesus to love our enemies or to turn the other cheek one more time. We know in our hearts that we would like to at least have done to them what they have done to us. We may find ourselves shaking fists at God for the apparent disparity of experiences. Further, the people that were supposed to be there for us were no-where to console or to support. They offered to us jerky idioms about sticks and stones, but we know, for certain, that words can cut painfully deep. We have been forced to sit on the sidelines of what it feels like to be a person because of irrational hatred.

Those bullies grow up and are surprised at how we feel about them. Unfortunately, they may go on bullying people as well as their own children while we find more ways to build more courage to work another day without much fanfare. We may applaud for the underdogs, comeback kids and may even consider that we finally escaped if we are able to leave the torment of schoolyards, churches, or even our families.

When you grow older, you find there are different sorts of bullies in the world. They call you names behind their hypocritical religious views. They taunt you for living outside their 1950s TV sitcom of normal. They defile your picture, your ideas, and very being. They beat you into submission and force you to fall in line. We cannot be frightened of Hell when Earth has been the definition of horror.

These bullies, they will never know what sensations will overcome you when people rip your child away because of some test of religion or supposed lifestyle. They will not know the betrayal felt when family members are willing to hurt your spouse and kids because they are not what they envisioned. They will never know the defeat you have when you are kicked out of the house for simply being who you are. They will not know the awful torment of knowing that your family will be the focus of the many attacks from around the community because your family does not conform.

Fortunately for us, we, the bullied, have learned to not live in the pretense of the past or stale sitcoms. We realize there is such a thing as real respect and real compassion. Some of us, instead, become empowered by bitterness; some by pride of finally feeling untouchable by the bullies. We can question why we could not enjoy days without harassment, torment or physical torture. We do not want to watch sinister fingers scheme to hurt us again.

Still, bitterness is an attachment that should be released otherwise it may evolve into more senseless hatred and violence. Maybe, this is why many want to drown out those memories and experiences through alcohol and drugs to escape that haunting history. Yet, we “made it” this far.

We have outlasted the taunts and teasing. We learn to laugh at the ridiculousness of those taunts. We learned the price of intolerance and the grace of loving fully. We found refuge in places that they cannot touch like music, writing, religion, sports and even our own families.

That is why we like personalities that push beyond those taunts and hateful remarks. This is why people seek refuge in religion because that realm is supposed to be exempt from perpetual torture on Earth. Yet, there are those that want to turn that idea into an exclusive arena that is more indicative of the gladiator trials we faced at recess instead of the place of solace mentioned in the scriptures.

The bullied are not alone and will see better days. We, the bullied, have learned and will continue to learn. We, the bullied, will march with other souls because we, too, have a place and we, too, are part of loving families. We, the bullied, will show how compassion works because we know what real compassion is rather than simply looks like. We will build better families despite the ridicule. We will embody that which Jesus taught because we have already suffered Hell. Maybe, the bullies will never learn, and maybe, they will always find reasons to scorn people. We, the bullied, will come to the aid of our brothers and sisters like soldiers because like soldiers, they should never be forgotten. We will be shining examples of good people, even if the bullies are blind to the facts. We, the bullied, have pride because we are better than bullies. 

No H8!