Changing Devotions and Perspectives: The Calling?

Changing Devotions and Perspectives II

Tony Dillon-Hansen

May 2014

As life progresses, we encounter ideas and perspectives that shape our current being.  The question of what is God calling me to do today is a mystery in a couple ways. There is a question about the existence of God or the premise of the deity’s personal interest in my path.  If there is such, what does that “calling” request of me? Finding Des Moines’ Plymouth Congregational Church on that path may yield clues to that request.

Through martial arts, study of Asian philosophies, and experience of Catholic teachings, I grew in strength with a sense of compassion for all people. Yet, the experience of being bullied, understanding religious hypocrisy and losing a child has wounded my once naïve compassionate sense of the world into a deeply questioning position of worth and purpose. There was little place for justifying the worth of religion. There is a question of the existence of a being that is directing the efforts and pathways in this world on any sort of macro or micro level. I will not pretend to witness God other than life exists with no explanation given, and I would hope that being has much more important things to attend than my lonely, trivial requests.

Perhaps, the entity has no interest in lording over people’s behavior (that would explain the ugly historical atrocities committed in the name of God or even without invoking such), and nature exists just simply as a manifestation of events. Parents and teachers of all stripes can easily attest to this where the point of lessons is to learn how to be autonomous. That we are here, today, in this environment, and one’s “ego in this bag of skin and bones” is a realization of something, and that people display that idea with virtual autonomy over own actions. Nature has many opportunities to learn about action and consequence, and proponents of chaos theory might suggest that “nature” is always ready to teach new lessons. That much is clear.

For all that has been boasted about God and religion, right, wrong, proper or foolish action ultimately requires one to do something, even if that something is nothing. The existence of God is very real to some people and to consider the absence of such, or of Lording qualities, would negate personal existence. So I would not know if God is calling me to do anything, but the position of where I am and where I have been has set me on a path that will yet change. The question is what was learned in the time and what can be imparted to others if anything.

There is a reason that I had to endure some things because as the Tao and the Buddha might suggest, one cannot possibly know good without knowing bad (and thus begins the 4 Noble Truths.) I can only hope that my path brings me towards better things and better places.  Experiences have helped to identify a proper course, and of course, chaos is always waiting to challenge that idea. With respect to chaos, a good fighter will tell you that strategy, flexibility and skillfulness are more useful than brute force attacks.  

With these ideas and if there is a calling, I became an ordained minister because a part of me still believes in compassion and honesty within human nature.  If there is a calling in the path, that is still a mystery to me. Yet, I found a great convergence of good teachings at Plymouth Congregational Church. 

I met with cynicism the first time that I heard the words, “No matter who you are; No matter where you are on life’s journey; you are welcome here.” As I heard subsequent sermons and discussions within and around the Church, there are people with critical thinking skills and people duly interested in expressing the compassion of humanity rather than hypocritical dogma and corrupt rhetoric. I can have reverence for the works and traditions of Church once again. That brought me home.

With Plymouth Church, I realized, for myself, that the purpose of church is to be a part of something that is larger than oneself, and I found more ways here to serve the community since many other organizations also meet at Plymouth. This place welcomes diversity and the purpose is clearly conveyed in order “to grow in love of God and neighbor.”  Church can be a place where people go to understand more about life and to do good work for your neighbors and community.  Thus, partially due to the tradition established in my youth, I actively serve in this Church because this Church expands its work into areas of the community that are in need of compassion (e.g. prisons, homeless, GLBT, and more), and they do not ask for a test when you walk in the door. This is close to what were my youthful ideas of the Church and the teachings of Jesus.

I still question the integrity of organized religion and God. I cannot un-live my experiences that caused questions and non-acceptance of my own senses, but maybe, I am not supposed to un-live them. My faith in people has been somewhat renewed by those involved with Interfaith Alliance and Plymouth Church. The mind has become quieter, acceptance of oneself is better, and possibilities are more positive. There is still more for me to do, and in what capacity that will be is what I have to find. That is the universal truth for everyone.  If there is a calling, it will take me somewhere better than I was and to go there with good people. If there is a calling, it has brought me here to this moment for a reason, and that is only a start of the next journey. 

Devotions Yesterday and Today

Changing Devotions and Perspectives

Tony Dillon-Hansen

May 2014

Question was posed for the Deacons of Plymouth Church: "What was God in your life in your youth; what changed; and what is God calling you to do today?" As the question asks about experiences and how they have changed, God, in this context, can be described as religion, faith or the omnipotent being that one might call a deity.  A wide breadth of change in faith is most certainly the case for me. The wealth of positive and negative memories and experiences of my life to this question reverberated, and so, I pick to split an answer to the question into two parts. This part will reminisce of the past youthful gaze and also consider what has changed especially how I found myself in constant quarrel with religion and my sexuality.

During my childhood, I was raised as a regular, Mass-attending Catholic from a devoted Catholic family that also had strong ties to Missouri Synod Lutheran via my dad’s side of the family. Religion was never a delicate subject in the house, and church was a place of sincere reverence and worship. Attendance was not optional, and I personally witnessed how important one’s religion was. This was revealed to me at a young age when I tried to tell my dad’s mother (strong Lutheran) about our first confession and communion catechism, but Dad suggested that Grandma would rather not be reminded that her grandchildren were Catholic.

I remember vividly considering an awe of priesthood, and remembering the premise of the teachings that spoke of love, honesty, compassion, non-violence, service to the community and of leading a “good-life” that is the core of the Catholic teachings. With personal strong feelings of loyalty and willingness to serve, I thought that God might be calling me to the vows of Holy Orders. Therefore, I was dutiful to the Church as an altar boy and then in high school, my duties included cantor and reading scriptures at Mass.

Yet, there was something different about me in comparison to the teachings as I began to realize my attractions did not follow what seemed to be expected of me as a young man. I was not immediately attracted to girls and wanted so much to be a model son for my family but immediately felt guilty by my mysterious sexuality.  I could not why understand those feelings were so considered disgusting and vial by many leaders in the Church because those feelings were no less the reality of my being. I was at pains to ignore them for fear of discovery or worse for disgracing my parents.

During college, there was an effort to stay involved with the Church, but that soon changed for a variety of reasons (e.g. attending regular Mass was not convenient anymore, new town, and changing feelings in general). At this time, I started finding myself aligning with members of the college gay union (UI GLBTU) and studying martial arts.  Many would be asking why a person would hold onto such convictions and devotion to a Church that denied the one’s very existence. That was crushing, and especially when members of the family learned of my apparent change of hearts, the extended family quickly labeled me as supposedly inferior and unworthy.

All of the good nature espoused by the Church and all of the good will that God was supposed to be was utter hypocrisy. Words were used at me, lies told against me, and manipulations of religion as fictitious evidence was destructive to me and my family. A massive collision of faith, family and personal struggle lead to me truly understand bitterness and hate.

Yet, I pursued an aspect of martial arts via the underlying teachings of the techniques.  While my skill and technique grew, I found strength in the new abilities and also in the philosophies from Taoists and Buddhists, like Alan Watts. Partially in my mind, I was trying to understand how these correspond to my home in Catholic teachings, which they share many ideals despite their differences about religion. What these philosophies would do was to show me a way to meditate and to lessen the hate or bitterness that I developed. These philosophies also did not seem to ignore the natural way of the world.

I found solace in the meditations and learned better ways of connecting experiences instead of through bitterness.  Natural logic of the cosmos and infinity of what we do not know had a path. These no longer required to be controlled, and God was no longer the conjured image of an old, wise man sitting on a throne with perfect plans. There was a natural order to things, but the presence of thought and action rested securely with the person conducting them. Focus turns into the betterment of oneself.

Yet, I struggled because I was essentially exiled from the Church with strong animosity towards those that professed good but proceeded to inflict great harm on others in the name of a supposedly “Holy one.” The “holiness” of religion was ridiculed by this, and I turned to despair about any existence as a bag of ego and lies.

I rejected organized religion as a whole and the aspects therein, especially as these parts of society sought to push their sinister hypocrisy upon the whole of our legal system by conscientiously denying equal protections or even the right to marry the one we love.

The loving and compassionate God I learned about in youth was either a far-flung illusion or God was being mocked by what these people were doing and professing. There are a number of people that share this exact sentiment.

Yes, Christianity and Buddhism have perceptible differences of perspective, but they have in them core considerations of what all people seek: to find and to be peace. The leaders of organized religion seemed too often interested in disturbing that peace.  

May your June Pride be in Peace!

Simple Devotions and Gifts

Simple Gifts

Tony E Dillon-Hansen
July 2013

Question posed to me at recent meeting of church deacons to examine where one finds “God” in our lives. My response is simple and perhaps a shared response via music. In my time, I have studied music theory and composition at university. I have written music and performed music. I enjoy great many different styles of music as a listener of the various tunes belting from both recorded and, especially, live performances.

Aside from a meal, can you think of anything that will bring disparate and politically divided people to common areas or common venues?  One could argue that sports business brings in a ton of money for athletes and the marketers trying to sell the game far beyond an average (or staring artist) can manage. Yet, sports-minded people invigorate prejudices and egos of home teams and favorite players. Yes, many of these have or made their talents be worthy of grandeur; they are still inciting a sense of competition among the population.

I cannot discount the interest in having good competition among people nor that of sports in general (I partake in many amateur sports competitions). Yet, athletes, and the money surrounding some sports, can cause a rise above simple team love into forceful persuasion of beliefs.  Many referees can attest to this.  Even with music, a good performer will find followers and people willing to pay good money to watch a performance.  Some will debate the talent of a particular performer or writer, but when crowds come to see this performer(s), ticket holders (whether paid or free) come with a common interest to hear what that performer can deliver.

American football Super Bowl can be an exhilarating event if you are one of the athletes or if your team is one that is playing. Even among team fans, there could be argued that there is a sense of comradeship that is revealed that is above petty politics or some other gross discrimination for at least the length of the game.

With music, many people of different stripes share an interest in a style of music and a performer. With exception of musicians that have gone “openly” political, audiences go to watch a performance of some piece that became their soul, their song, their passion or their release. A musician brings people together, not just because they enjoy a melody but because the song became a part of them.

Interestingly, sports teams replay Queen’s “We Are the Champions” because we, as fans, want to hear and to ultimately see that music revealed in our teams. Note, however, that Queen gave the fan a verse to sing about love of team. Trumpets and drums are used to summon a call to arms. Even, political campaigns play songs with themes of better times because the orator, especially of lower skill, wants you to have the feeling that what he or she is saying is going to make you feel “better”.  These happen because music invokes common passions and inspires.

Music can bring people of divergent opinions of all sorts together in a venue without a need to be competing with each other.  There might be the occasional impromptu fashion debates or etiquette quarrels. When people come to watch a musician, there is an interest in what that musician delivers to our hearts through performance of the pieces. That is because in that moment of music enjoyment, the competition of the world is quieted for a moment.

We may lead "lives of quiet desperation", but music allows us to live in a moment fully when we find that one song, that one melody, or that one harmony that fills our hearts with all that we were missing. Yet, unlike Thoreau, we do not need to let the music go to the grave with us nor do we need to lose the uncanny companionship that we gain from mutual music interests.

Just as diverse as opinions about politics can be, so also can our passions about music be. Yet, no one would draw a gun over how someone tickles the piano or beats a drum. Even traffic can have a sense of beautiful orchestration when we allow ourselves to be with the world and our senses. Electronic themes over riffs (acoustic or electronic) can be an escape for anyone willing to hear what is being played. What we can learn from music is more than notes on a page, melodies, rhythms, or tempos, but we can even learn how we as humans have mutual interests in different ways from different paths.

There are aspects in our lives that showcase competition among human beings along with community like sports. There are also forms in our lives that show us how things are connected to each other with or without competition. Music is one of those forms, especially considering some of the best music in the world often combines a theme (point) and counterpoint in artful detail. An argument without punches. The confluence of theme, counter patterns, randomness and competition can be found in music, and the good writer leaves some of the work for listener to interpret how that applies to you.

Good artists let you do some of the interpreting, to make the song yours, and thus, the theme can resonate with people of different social or political backgrounds. In this world of polarized communities, is it not nice to see a conductor on the podium who can show how all of this can work together with a whisk of the baton or how a soloist can move an entire crowd to tears with slow ballad? Certain politicians would do well to realize how trivial differences are. 

The world is connected, and music can showcase that connection. Maybe, that is a simple gift, and perhaps, that is an example of how one might find God, which we can always cherish.