Looking into Mirrors - reflection

Looking into Mirrors

Tony E Hansen

A reflection

Of the recent few weeks, I have taken a hard look at where I am today.  

I feel completely liberated from a past and also learning to establish boundaries that have long been ignored.

Just when I am at the dawn of trying new things and different ideas, I find myself turning and remembering all that has brought me to be where I am today. 

I know that I have made some very poor choices in my life, and I don’t need to continue to do that. I have done grievances with people that I am sure are unforgivable in their eyes. I can only pray for forgiveness. 

I know that I also have made pivotal choices that have blessed me with where I am today. 

I do enjoy being around good people and enjoying bellyful laughs, but where I am going is a road I never thought I would take. 

I dont want re-hash my past but my past is a teaching element, with or without tradition. 

Yet all that I have been, and all that I could be, can be destroyed in only a few moments. I know that, and that gives me pause. 

I can imagine having a conversation with Dad and him laying out some ideas about tradition that I have quite literally abandoned. For it was tradition, however, that kept me miserable and withdrawn - not wanting to express who Tony is but instead resigned to being a shadow. 

Listening to Enya, I found myself checking boxes of what I want and have wanted and where I want to go. It is amazing how songs can inspire this kind of reflection. 

It is opening my emotions to writing music and doing art again.  Perhaps a better outlet than some that I have been exploring? 

So now, I am looking at the friends and people that are in my life, those who I have allowed access to me, why they are there and whether they ought to be. 

I have a set of trusted people that I have grown with over the years whom I want to reinforce ties. There are folks I lost contact over the years that I would like to reconnect. There are folks that I have recently met that have been good for me in the midst of turmoil and life changes, but especially recently, I question how much I am putting into them and what I get in return - not that is a transaction but I am sensing issues with authenticity, reliability, and other things from some of them. 

Who stays and who goes?  Further, What do I reveal and what stays in the shadows? for I think I have maybe revealed a little too much, and now there is hint of regret.

Yet I want to be authentic not some shell of Tony. Yet the dynamics of life has considerably changed for me with areas that I want to continue exploring and others that I think I want to step back already.

I am a paradox, a paradigm, but I am all of me in the flesh and in this world. I have seen and witnessed the good, the bad, the ugly, and things I just cant explain. Some of these are things that have challenged the tradition of Tony, who had limits that I have clearly stepped over. 

I have stepped into worlds that few go but also challenge tradition that is way outside of any concept of normalcy, even taboo. 

Screw taboo, there are so many rules created for our society that are actually destructive to people - meant to isolate and exclude and degrade. As a queer person, I know this very well. There is a cleanliness code born from the Hebrew Bible that people should follow but at what degree and what cost? Also cherry picked as to what is clean and what is not. Also, there is a continuous floating double standard that applies to me but not you. 

I dont believe in exclusion and I don’t believe in arbitrary ideas that should apply to everyone. Taboo is meant to scare us into conformity. I don’t want fear to be my motivation.

This may be related to the grief of a broken marriage and divorce, but this is definitely a mechanism for me to find the authentic and genuine Tony. 

I have lived with and am friends with people on the edges of society, the criminals, the prostitutes, the questioning. I serve the homeless and have shared my space with homeless. All of this has been a blessing to me in ways that I cannot imagine. They helped me find me. They helped me be a better person in this world that doesn’t immediately judge and condemn but listens first. Isn’t that what Christ did and does? 

“I was blind but now I see.”

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later however it produces a harvest for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

I know for certain that I am better off today than I was when I was with the other person. I feel able to do and to express without being belittled, ignored, overlooked, or shamed. 

I feel genuine and authentic for the first time in a long time. That is liberating, exciting, growing, and anxious at the same time.

Yet knowing that I am looking at another season of Dream Team, I am looking at my current relations and who should be a part as well as my actions and attitudes - whether I am going too far.

For a long time and including today, I put myself out in the world as a respite from all that is broken - knowing that I too am broken. I would like to think I offer a presence that is calming and inviting and listening. (This sentiment has been shared with me from folks that I have known for a long time.) 

I think that is also my ministry training realizing good use in all areas of life. Ministry training also taught me boundaries, even though I gave them less than tacit actuality for a long time.

I know that I have resources now that I have not had when I was younger. Even when I was young, I always strived to be better and to give of myself, even when it cost me personally. While I might like my younger shape and glad to have been a model at one point, I continue to work on my physical shape and more so my emotional and spiritual shape. 

Still, I am at a unique place in life, and I continue to strive to give.  That is part of why I do ministry, UBFM , Dream Team and the other great organizations I attend. 

I enjoy being around my cycling friends, Bow Wow Hot, what is left of the “council of fairies” gang , as well as neighbors of Windsor Heights and Waterbury. 

I don’t want to neglect family. Although there, I have to be mindful of brother-in-law since he likes to do negative guilt trips and such. (He illustrated that in our recent dinner in Ames, but this time, I pushed back.)

So people want to be around me, even though I wasn’t sure for a long time. I was thankful that some folks expressed this to me because I questioned. I had questioned that for a lot of reasons I suspect and not just a person that was in my life. 

Yet, I also don’t want to be pulled into negativity and drama. I want people that respect my time and energy. I want respect.

I don’t need constant validation or constant companionship. I find silence and alone time to be moments of value. I do want the people that tell me how I can improve and those that have genuine conversations - not those who are nose-deep in a phone. People who connect, whether martial arts, cycling, gym, computer systems, art, or just being neighbors. People that want to listen as much I try to listen.

I also don’t want to be spending money going out every night, and so I have put a big pause on that.  Besides, I have plenty at home to eat and drink.

That all relates to bars and drinking. I don’t want a life that revolves around bars. I like to sing and will go to places to do karaoke but not every night and definitely not when I should just stay home. I can certainly enjoy less empty calories too as well as time to do other things I like.

It also relates to boundaries. I finally think I have set boundaries, and I am enforcing them. Although that takes some courage and gets reactions from folks that I have to learn to navigate appropriately, it is necessary for me to establish that because I don’t want to be a doormat or feel used. It does take energy to enforce boundaries, but it is reminder of what, why, and who is important.

Far too long in my life, I have allowed people and lovers to walk over me, put words into my mouth, change the circumstances of events, or outright lie to me without challenge. I walked away from it, and I don’t want that anymore. When I see it now, I don’t want to be around it again.

Proverbs says, “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,”

My time and energy are important and valuable. That should be understood by those around me - those in my life including at work.  

Yes I am going to liberate and to have fun, but I still have guard rails. I have not completely abandoned tradition, even though I have walked into areas of this world that are way beyond tradition. 

I consider consent to be critical, and that consent has to be mine as well.

There are prices that are worth paying and we continue to pay because we are willing. Then there are prices for things that we touch and experience and then should just let go. That was fun for a minute, and thanks for the experience. but, when I think about it and reflect, what is the end game and should that matter?  

That tells us what is important and what is not.

I want to be single for a while, to travel and to visit friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I don’t want to tie down nor give false impressions that I am interested in settling down with someone - not even for looks or a weekend.

Yet I don’t want to throw out all tradition. I will continue to explore some, but I am remembering and knowing that I need to enforce boundaries in all areas of my life. 

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I 

I took the one less traveled by, 

and that has made all the difference. “ Robert Frost

And I made my own. 

“That life exists and identity, 

That powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.” Walt Whitman

I contribute reflections, sermons, lyrics and all of my work into the world. Will it be heard and does it matter? How can I make it matter?

So I will be more intentional with who I choose to include in my space. That challenge is to continuously do this. 

Consistency and reliability. 

I am a teacher, a master, a sage to some, a reverend, a philosopher and more that wants to teach but to people who want to listen and learn. I would expand that to include all people, but my time and resources are limited. 

I do want to be respectful while being easy going and open minded, but firm with my boundaries and my focus. 

Mystic Flowers - John 1 - Christmas 2C

Mystic Flowers

Tony E Hansen

Reflection based upon John 1: 1- 18, Psalm 147

Opening prayer 

Merry Christmas! Today is the 12th day of Christmas as we read John’s version of the Christmas story, and tomorrow begins the season of Epiphany.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.”

Often in the darkness, we may question ourselves and where we are on life’s journey. In that questioning, we learn about ourselves and how to navigate life, when we are honest with ourselves. It is here that we learn the value of boundaries and goal setting.

God has planted you here, this day and hour for a purpose. Yes You are a flower. (So what color are you?)

You and I are flowers of diverse colors and like all plants, we endure harsh conditions from to time to time, but we strive to grow and to blossom.

So yes from time to time, we ought to take time for ourselves, to reflect and to listen for the Spirit speaking and teaching.

"In the beginning was the Word..."

This Gospel passage takes us to a mystical beginning and along a mystical journey with a swirl of poetic grace, peace and divine optimism.

You can feel the mystic notion of God being present everywhere and in everything. This is a profound statement of God being encompassing while also being intimate with each of us as being within us.

Thus, You and I, flowers - children of God, are included in that mystical. This is a divine invitation to witness the mystical Spirit presence within and among us. That God loves us so much God lives with us.

That with the breath and love of God, we are brought into being into this world as a part of the world. Therefore, we are reminded that all creatures and things reveal the work of God: from the trees, the creatures, the rocks, the waters, the vast cosmos and all humanity. All creation is a gift to all of us to share with each other as children of the Creator.

“In him was life and the life was the light of the people.”

Through that light, we can marvel and awe at wonderful, even when politics and broken worlds make us weary and skeptical. We can look into the future with hope because God has given us life and a light through Christ - a place to start, again and again.

Yes, we remember that we are formed in darkness to meet life, and every night, we rebuild and recharge to meet the blessings of a new day. Just like Jacob wrestling at night to find in the morning a blessing was bestowed.

That is why we set boundaries for ourselves to keep out the negative and pray to have courage to maintain them. Sometimes, we have challenges and trials like Jacob, and sometimes, we as people will fail.

Each day, each hour, we are given another chance to breathe and to live. We might worry because we may fail, but we live and grow in this moment with blessings of grace that sustain.

This is a new morning, and place for us to witness all that has been given to us and all that we can share together.

“The Word became flesh and lives among us, and we have seen the divine glory full of grace and truth.” 

This grace will not be contained but spreads throughout generations and all ends of the Earth. This grace, this mystical life, is meant for you and I.

Open your ears, hear the wisdom of God speaking to you.

Open your hearts to let the Spirit be with you.

Open your eyes to let angels guide you.

The Psalmist writes, “God grants peace… fills you with finest wheat, …God sends out [their] command to the earth.”

From the waters to the rocks to the creatures to our neighbors, we are given opportunities in that command to grow with peace that endures.

We have forgiveness to let go, and we have birth into new life with Christ with the wisdom to serve. Then when we serve God and our neighbors, we transcend divisions, and find all that we need is available to us. Doors open and impossible becomes possible.

That is the Christmas promise: that we can be one with the Spirit and we can grow in the Spirit. 

Let go of what you don’t need and be one with the Spirit in this season. Let go of all that is holding you back and keeping you from being the mystical flower that God has meant you to be.

Let the Spirit reveal to you. 

Let that light shine in your darkness to bring you hope and life so that you and I, as mystical flowers, can blossom in the new day.

Thanks Be to God

When I was 12 - Luke 2 - Christmas 1C

When I was 12

Tony E Hansen

Sermon based upon Luke 2:41-52, Psalm 148

Opening prayer

The kids grow up so quickly as Jesus was born just few days ago, and today, we observe that Jesus is now 12. 

There are a lot of things I wanted when I was 12, but I dont think I ever envisioned where I am today. 12 was when some health issues arose for me and changed a lot of the possible directions for me. 

Yet, I went to school and learned from good public school teachers and grew from a little rascal runt into a goof that you see today. I took all of the lessons they gave me over the years and then took the next steps. Sometimes, it worked well, and sometimes, not so much.

Yet I learned from books, teachers and from traditions. Some those I agreed, and some of those I deeply disagreed. Yet, it is in those agreements and disagreements alike is where I learned and grew. 

Today, I look back and hope I built a life that bears fruit not just for myself but for those around me. I did not wait around for things to be handed to me and when I saw - when I see a need - I reach out and help where and how I can.

It is in this way that I have grown over the years, and yes, in the words of Langston Hughes, “life aint been no crystal stairs…”

That I think is the point here, for wherever we are on life’s journey, we got here to now and look at the next steps.

We could hem and haw about how things have been sour in our lives, or we could take the lessons we have been given and move forward. 

It is useful to point out that traditions are evident in this story -showcasing they went to Jerusalem every year for the Passover. Jesus followed some traditions as we do today and then later in life questioned many of them and the way they are observed.

That Jesus at 12 was among teachers listening and asking questions to them says that Jesus embraces education and ideas from the teachers. (That is quite different than what we do with teachers in our society.)

Instead of rejecting (or banning) books and wisdom of elders, Jesus learns and grows from what people bring to him.

It is through these, over the years of youth, that “Jesus increased in wisdom and in years and in divine…”  

That reminds us that wisdom is a gift, but it is a gift that needs attention. 

Wisdom doesn’t just happen. It is a gift that one must cultivate and tend - much like a garden and much like a young mind.

Yes wisdom gets started in our youth - or in our present moment. For what we leave undone is left undone. What we don’t do today and put off until tomorrow, many times never gets done. 

Jesus here, reminds us that, even in youth and in our present moment, we can do the necessary to prepare ourselves, our hearts, our faith and our minds.

On this last weekend of the year, we look with anxious eyes, hearts and minds at the upcoming year. What do we want to accomplish? What do we want to do less, or even remove completely, from our lives?

Yes it is a time of resolutions. Yet I am curious to know why we wait just for a new year to begin resolutions? 

If you want to start losing weight, then today is a perfect day to start, even yesterday.  

If you want to increase your faith and your spiritual well-being, that doesn’t need to wait for a new year, it can start now and continue into the new year. 

If you want to drink less or go dry, maybe another sip is not needed today.

If we want to increase our understanding and wisdom, it can start today and now by diving deep into these words and reading more, listening more and asking more questions, just like Jesus did.

If you want to increase your love of God and neighbor, there are many ways in which you can do that today through the Church and the community. It starts with listening and asking questions.

Yet, make a note to yourself that whatever you hope to do in the new year, that doesn’t have to wait until the new year. I assure you that I have not waited and neither do you have to.

Start that now before you start the inevitable “excuses” worksheet.

Beloved, I pray that you find all that you need is right where you are and all that you want to be is available to you. 

Find the Spirit working with you today and don’t wait for tomorrow. Find that Spirit weaving in and around our church and community. Find that Spirit and don’t leave it in the books, the churches, or the songs but take it with you. 

Better yet, Find the Love of our Creator inside you this day and know that you are what matters - whether you are 12 or 48 or 88. Be in the present moment and know the Creator is with you and in you today.

Learn, cultivate, and grow.

For that we say 

Thanks Be to God

Preparing Our Hearts - Luke 3 - Advent 3 Year C

Preparing Our Hearts

Tony E Hansen

Sermon based upon Luke 3:7-18, Isaiah 12:2-6,Philippians 4:4-7

Opening Prayer

How easy it is for folks to read texts from the scriptures and close the book.  How easy it is for folks to go to church, walk in hear the good news, and then walk out. How easy it is for us to just talk about God and our faith, but don’t actually live that faith.

This text from Luke is a taste of what John the Baptist preaches and that which Jesus picks up thereafter. 

Here, John lays out clearly what we can do in our regular lives.

“Whoever has two coats must share with one who has none, and whoever has food must do likewise. … Collect no more than the amount prescribed. Don’t extort, don’t push false claims.”

Pretty simple stuff folks. This is wisdom and people wonder, are you the One ? 

No, but there is One who will baptize not just with symbols of water but with the truth and fire of the Spirit.

The question for us who have experienced this baptism, whether youth or observed, what do you do with this baptism of the Spirit in your lives. 

People will hear the words, read the words, walk in the temples and churches, and they will say good things, but then words are all that is there.

Will you do the things that have been commanded of you? To love God and to love your neighbor - all of your neighbors (and your enemies). Are you willing to share your coats, your food, your love and your abundance with those who have none? Are you fair and equitable to people around you.  

Are you willing to be the example of God’s love in people’s lives? 

John tells them, “I am not the messiah for I could not tie the strings of their shoes”, and so do I. 

Titles are just that: titles. We don’t need a title to teach and to live the word of God and to live in these ways.

It is the fulfillment of the word through our thoughts and actions that give life and love.  It is the commitment to faith, hope and love that give life to those around us just the same. 

I am a broken person and always will be, but there is One that is perfect and that has no blemish. There, you will find all that you need and want. There, you will find your heart when you let God come to you and be with you.

And then we don’t wrap that up and tuck it away in a box for next week when we do it all over again. That is not the point of church or religion. That isn’t what we do. We don’t leave these teachings that prepare us for Jesus who leads us into the light of God. 

We take that love, that faith, that hope into the world around us and with us to share with the many.

So yes, this lesson from John prepares us, and gives us specifics. This is what you do. Through our prayers we talk to God and through our actions we live out our love of God and neighbor. Frankly, don’t be a jerk!

Beloved, this is simple stuff, but we like to throw obstacles in the way.  “I just cant today for whatever reason we give…”

Why do we do that? To escape our accountability or our responsibility?  To be lazy with our gifts? Or to live in the familiar gloom of a broken world? - all too familiar feels safe and convenient. 

Yes we have days of long hours or work. Yes, we have people that let us down. Yes we have those who take from us and lie to us.

But we don’t have to stay there. That doesn’t need to rule our lives.

Yes, the broken world wants to shackle us to emptiness, false promises, and materials that don’t have true meaning. “The chaff” 

If you, instead, turn your eyes, your hearts and let God be with us this minute - this hour - this day, you will realize that we don’t need all of that brokenness. We don’t need the chaff. What chaff (not who) do we want to see go away.

Through these words and following the words in our daily lives and actions, if we let these words, the Spirit, enter our lives and be part of our lives, we will find something substantial - far more than emptiness. When you do, we will be truly fulfilled, and there is no other place you will want to be. 

We prepare our hearts for the coming of the Lord by witnessing the word of God in our hearts, our minds and and our deeds. 

You may still have to work long ours and people will still do things that disappoint, but we can be the beacon that shines in darkness, in political tensions, in anxious times. We can be the light that is sorely needed. We can be the respite from all that is broken when we let the Spirit be with us.

Let go of the brokenness and let the joy of Christ be with you and in you.

That beloved is liberating and lifting.

That Beloved is…

Thanks Be to God